dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
