You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
