listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
