Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
