i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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