when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
