It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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