I wish I could teleport
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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