i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
