I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
