yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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