new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
