one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
