my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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