they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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