im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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