apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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