I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
