so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
