I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
