dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
