Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
