I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
