You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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