I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
