someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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