Just fell off a train. Bad.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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