Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
