All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
