Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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