guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
