I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
