I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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