2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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