she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
