Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
