the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
