I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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