My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
