i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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