Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
