The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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