Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
