I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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