Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I understand Curling. That high.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
