Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
