did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
