True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
