That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
