she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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