No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
