I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize