I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
