I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
