My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
