if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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