thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
