i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
