shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
