I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
