You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Every concussion has its silver lining
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize