I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
