If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
