I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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