I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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